The Infinite Now: Cleans Moods Spotless

I've been a bit irritable this past week. My trigger is set to hair, and just about everyone is driving me nuts. Thank goodness for computers, or I would have cut down my own personal tree to do all the Judge Your Neigbor worksheets I've needed this week. Course that only helps if you're doing them. I've managed one, which isn't gonna help much, since my thoughts are racing with a multitude of stories about everything going on in my world. One measley thought ain't even a dent.

Figured I'd rant here for awhile and see what that frees up. No wonder I've been so quiet this week, I'm just not in the mood to spout love and light and humor. Welcome to the sardonic side of Maya...

Particularly high on my list of forehead slappers this week is our tendency to exalt some sages or master who we perceive as embodying love or enlightenment or Keith Richards, and then we proceed to cut ourselves down. "I'm not there yet," we say, implying that we should all be neat carbon copies of our favorite idol. Well guess what? We are ourselves. Period. If you want to suffer, try to be someone else. You can wax philosophical all you want about ego and illusion and all that crap, but the fact is, you have an ego, and you live in the illusion, until you don't. The fact that any of us use "I" as our pronoun says we're still here, ego and illusion intact. It sets us up to strive. To never be good enough for ourselves until we have attained. Attained what? Instant ascention? Spontaneous combustion?

I think about how utterly miserable I was when I was incessantly, obsessively seeking some sort of cosmic perfection, and how quickly I revert to that misery and anxiety when I forget and start seeking it again. In striving I just manage to put myself further away from it anyway, sort of like when you're in a hurry and all the lights turn red, but if you've got nowhere to go, there's nothin' but green. I'd heard that before, but it never really made sense to me until I finally *GOT* that there's nothing to do but be me, whoever that is right now, even if it's petulant or judgmental. My job is to do what I'm doing because I'm doing it. The cool part is that when I'm totally immersed in being where I'm at, I forget all about being anyone else, like 'enlightened'. So in the end, it doesn't matter whether we attain anything or not. The future becomes irrelevant. So does judgment. And validation.

Well. Didn't THAT just let the wind out of my sails. Here I am, sitting at a desk, typing. The world moves around me - trees, bugs, clouds, people. Just being, in their present whether they know it or not. There is nothing to be righteous about. Nothing going on but the stories in my head that take me away from now-here, where I'm bound to suffer...and be irritable. (damn! I hate blowing my own cover!)

So okay. My game for today: observe. As minutely as possible. I am typing. Right thumb. Right middle, index, left index, ring finger. Inhale. Phone is ringing. I am standing, walking, left foot, right, left. Exhale. I am reaching for the phone. My fingers are curling around the receiver. I am lifting. I am pressing the button. Inhale. I am talking, my mouth is moving, my throat is vibrating, my slow, talking exhale feels warm on my lips. Inhale. A breeze is coming in through the opening door. There is infinite goings on at any given second. How far can I expand my awareness? How many things can I take in at once? While I am practicing it, I am care-free.

I am...