Happy Mothers Day

So I just stumbled across this major cultural flaw: we raise our kids to act one way because it’s easier on us as parents, but then the rules of adult life are completely different. So as young adults we go out into the world completely unequipped, then we spend our entire adult lives struggling uphill against the habits that were so carefully ingrained in us as kids.

Like “don’t talk back,” for example. As kids we are taught not to challenge our parents. Then as adults we struggle with passivity and are even chided by friends and coworkers for being spineless. We feel dominated by bosses and spouses and never dare speak up for fear of being yelled at. It takes half a lifetime to learn to say “no,” and maybe the entire rest of our time to do so lovingly.

As kids we’re responsible to nothing, and then suddenly we pass this magic threshold and BANG, we’re irresponsible. We’re told “sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me,” and then we struggle with the pain inflicted by cruel and careless words, and the compounded pain of feeling like we “shouldn’t” be hurt by those words. We learn precious little of conflict resolution as children, or of the concept of everyone’s worth. As children, the bad kids get punished. We’re told stories of villains and victims. And so we grow up believing that victimhood is good, and we learn to fiercely conceal our flaws to avoid being “bad.” It is only way into our adult lives that we come across the concept (if we’re lucky) that no one is ever trying to hurt anyone, that they are simply struggling to be happy just like we are, that we are each both the problem and the solution.

We work so hard to protect our children from pain, and then when they grown up and reality hits it is painful. We have not been taught what to do with pain. So then we avoid it, contorting and compromising our integrity until we all but fail to recognize it anymore – it just becomes an amalgam of all the shoulds that anyone ever threw at us. It is only as grownups that we begin to feebly attempt the concept of staying true to ourselves, and only then after having hit some sort of integrity bottom, at which point we make the miraculous discovery that the only way to love someone else is to love ourselves.

Some of the bizarre inconsistencies of our culture make a tremendous amount of sense when viewed through this filter…

It’s an interesting conundrum as a parent. To start her early on these concepts I get some criticism about making her grow up too fast. But then in my massage classes they drum these concepts into us so that they become habits and we don’t have to break bad ones later on, which makes a lot of sense. So I guess all’s I can do is stay true to my own ideals, and ignore the rest. Nobody’s going to agree with me all the time. My own body tells me well what feels right and what doesn’t. I am happy when I raise my daughter to be a good human. I feel sick when I yell at her or shame her. That’s all the proof I need. I’m glad there are resources out there like Positive Discipline that offer guidelines for getting where I want to go with this. She’s an amazing kid, I’m lucky to be her mom.

Happy Mother’s Day, everyone.