Hello

So it's time to start writing again. I was afraid to for the past couple years, & my words dried up like an old creek bed & I've just been sitting around examining the cracks. My fear was that SHE would read it (and judge me). It was a convenient setup, that's for sure. She got to be the projection of my harsh inner critic. When that voice is outside of me I'm a victim, when it's coming from within there's nowhere to hide. Most of my reading lately has been about ending that icky cycle of self-abuse. Books I'm reading:

Soul Without Shame by Byron Brown
Loving What Is by Byron Katie (what's with all the Byrons?)
Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen

I think I lived my whole life in fear. I don't imagine I'm alone in that. It's amazing now, when so much of my life is careening out of control (whatever that means - whose life is really in control?), how at peace I feel with life. How totally impervious to judgement I feel sometimes. What an absolute miracle.

Don't take that to mean that I've achieved any kind of perfection, just that I feel better easier than I ever have in my life, and things don't upset me the way they used to. I'll go into it more later, when some sort of example shows up. Actually, here's one: she's suing me, and I feel fine. She used to email me and I'd fall apart for weeks. Now she's suing me and I actually welcome it, because it's what's happening. Amazing how much energy I have now that I'm not RESISTING everything!

It's strange to be writing again. I don't think I realized how Dragnet-ian my words had become - just the facts. Digging my descriptive voice out the storage closet of my life feels strange and awkward and a little exhilarating, like a little girl secretly trying on her mom's necklace and heels. I'm looking forward to the creative writing class I'm taking this fall. I've always been insecure about fiction for some reason. My own life I can articulate fine. My linear imagination seems lacking, though. I suppose you'll be seeing some of those efforts in a few months...

Okay, back to work.